It rained today in the city of Ottawa. Rained down like the corruption that pervades this whorish city. When you’ve been a private dick for this long, its hard not to take a cynical view of everything. On the outside, this city seems like it’s all talk. She’s pretty enough on the outside, and draws strangers in. But at the heart of things, at the core, lies a decaying world of thugs and underlords; like an apple rotting from the inside out. Nothing is what it seems here. Take this case for example.

I was busy having a staring contest with the phone one fall morning, when Beulah let me know that we had a visitor. In walks this dame who looks like she’s full of pain; too much pain for a woman in her early 20s to take. You can always tell it from the eyes. Skin lies, but the eyes age by experience, not through time.

Still, I had to try really hard to feign disinterest. She had a free flowing bob of red hair, piercing blue eyes, and gams that seemed to go on forever. But the scowl on her face where her smile should have been told me not to try my luck. This broad was 10 miles of trouble on a 2 mile street. But those getaway sticks! And those eyes. A schmuck could get lost trying to find his way back out of those, and in this business you need a quick wits and even quicker reflexes. I could tell already that this case would be trouble. But at the time, I didn’t know how much.

If you must write “lol”, or “lmao”, or the robust and heady “roflmao”, make sure that it is in response to what someone else said (don’t “lol” at your own jokes), and that it fits the situation. Very rarely does someone roll on the floor, laughing their ass off, so make sure that your use of “roflmao” reflects this.

Further, do not weave these abbreviations into a sentence unless it makes sense. The best way to check if you’ve used an abbreviation properly is to read the abbreviation as if you had typed it out in full. “Laughing out loud hahah look at that idiot” only makes you look like the idiot.

alternate title: ok, you might not think this is funny, so I’ll write something else later

Before I get into the specifics of this one, let me explain a few things.

Actually, Dorothy Gambrell can explain them better. Go here, read this, and come back. I’ll wait.

Now you probably understand the problem with self-defining a group of people based on something this arbitrary. It creates a climate of “you vs. us”, or “us vs. them”. But this is only part of the problem of self-defining. There are more problems associated with definitions which are based on economic status and the like. But this isn’t about that. I’ll probably never address that subject, because I don’t feel like it’s my place or like I’d be able to handle the subject properly.

Which now brings me to the subject of the grups. My nerd brethren, do you remember the episode of Star Trek where Kirk and the crew land on the planet where anyone who reaches adulthood becomes sick and dies? The planet is populated by children because of this, and they have created a unique social structure, and language. They call adults “grups”, a play on the term “grown-up”.

Now, people believe that they have uncovered a social pattern in the 30 somethings and late 20 somethings who have a certain type of style and listen to a certain type of music. The discovery of this has lead people to create a term for this disparate group of people. They’ve called themselves “grups”. The term is closely related to “yuppie”, a pejorative term for young adults from Generation X (I say pejorative, because most people do not self-identify as a “yuppie”). How is this different than “indie kid” or “hipster” or any other label? Labels never define who or what someone is, but they give you a shallow idea of what they could be like. This can only lead to problems in the future, my friends. Down with the “grup” label, and up with individualism and being awesome by your own rights.

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I feel like this is extremely incoherent, but time necessitates this, unfortunately. My brother Kwaku, and Liam (he comments here a lot) are in Ottawa, and we’re going out for a bit. Read this article for more info on grups.

There are a few reasons to watch this video. First, it’s an AC/DC video, so you know something crazy is going to happen. Second, Arnold is in it. At 2:20 he breaks into a mad-rad guitar solo (kicks and all) after putting on Angus Young’s schoolboy uniform.

I am here to bring you the latest in “what the fuck is Suzie so-and-so doing right now?” technology, Twitter. Here’s how the Twitter dudes describe their site: “A global community of friends and strangers answering one simple question: What are you doing? Answer on your phone, IM, or right here on the web!”. So basically, this site fulfills people’s voyeur fantasies. Cool site, huh?!?!

Except that its asinine! If I want you to know what I’m doing, I’ll tell you, either in person or on the phone or whatever. If I want to know what you’re doing, I’ll ask you. Is there anyone out there pretentious enough to believe that the world gives a shit about what they’re doing? And do you really care? I’ll give some examples, to prove my point.

Here’s one of the last messages sent to the site, from some jagoff called “Suro”: “i’ve juts discovered that i had a pair of contact lents at home!! i’ve been waering glasses all these last 7 days xD”. What the FUCK is that garbage? I didn’t clean up his grammar just so you could see the sorts of mouth-breathers who use this thing. Here’s another gem! Someone else is “chewing on gum”.

Dasvedanya “raynerape”! What are you up to? “Едва се вдигам от леглото. Очите ми тежат, сякаш са от олово. Така е, щом до 3 часа стоя и говоря със Султанов за дизайн на комп. игри”

FASCINATING.

Finally, we have “Yvette”, who says: hvn’t had a headache for so long that i’ve forgot how it feels, WHY WHY WHY do u hv to remind me of it?!”

Oh Yvette, I know exactly what you mean.

Taken from a thread on the Something Awful forums.

The way it seems to be is human males need to be part peacock, part lion, and part chimpanzee, in their interactions with one another. Part of being a guy is looking pretty, but not SO pretty that guys that are more “lion” single you out. Part of of being a guy is not backing down from a challenge and being able to defend yourself and what you value, but not becoming so rustic and savage that people fear you. While another part of being a guy is being able to joke around, work as a productive member of a unit, and maintain your social structure. – Jabbu

I just think it’s funny, cos he said chimpanzee! Dudes are like birds and other animals. But seriously, I like this explanation for some reason. Dudes need to balance all these aspects of themselves. It kinda reminds me of stats on an RPG character sheet. Some dudes have very high dex, so they always make their saving throws vs. traps and junk. Other dudes do not. But unlike DnD, you can modify your scores pretty easily by just doing shit like reading, taking a shower, and not betraying the trust of your friends.

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Baby, we’ll be fine/ All we’ve gotta do is be brave and be kind

St. Patrick’s day was not St. Pattified to the maxx this year. The hat did not see it’s usual amount of action on Saturday. It remains on the wall in it’s usual spot, relegated to the function of decoration until March 2008. Here is a picture.

I did drink quite a bit of Guinness this year though, so I did my part in the whole “lol i is irsh 2dai” thang.

Interpol are going to play Ottawa in a couple of weeks. You don’t even know how excited I am for this show. I might pee my pants, or have an asthma attack or something. Tony and I are going. It will be good.

Speakin’ of sexah roommates, Uzo the Indomitable surprised me this week with an awesome gift, in the form of a poster of Jack Bauer from 24. Is it finally time to take down the kissin’ ladies and replace them with Jack? Here is an aside, cleverly italicized so that you see that it is different than the body of this message.

ASIDE: In my first year of university, I was living outside of my house, under my OWN roof, sort of. To symbolize this, drunk on power and independ-a-hol, I bought something that I thought my parents wouldn’t approve of. So the poster symbolizes my independence in a really, really immature way. Now, whenever I see ladies kissing, I will think of my immature acting out towards parents who were not even present to see my rebellion. I like to think I’ve grown out of this. /ASIDE

I’m feeling really huggy this week. We’ll see how that goes. If you don’t want a hug, you better stay the fuck out of my way! This is what I like to do. I like to be angrily happy. Fierce in my positive emotiveness. Firefox is telling me that emotiveness is not a word. Strangely enough, it is saying that I may have meant “combativeness”. If you can be “fightin’ mad”, can you be “fightin’ happy”? Let’s work on being “fightin’ happy” everyone. I think this is a positive thing that we should all work towards as friends.

ALSO: if you want a hug, you should probably stay in my way. Touching people is not scary. It is fun, and funny.

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but don’t you let them tell you that you’re wrong

New “Thee Airing of Grievances” post going up. Take a look at it tomorrow.

Music history lesson: which late 70s punk band is responsible for defining the hardcore sound? If you said “Minor Threat”, you’re partially right. But take a look/listen to Bad Brains. Easily in my top 10 bands of all time.

Artists like Bad Brains, Sister Rosetta Tharpe, and countless other black musicians helped define the music we love and listen to today. I know it’s a bit late for a history lesson (it’s not February anymore), but I thought I’d throw that out there.

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Also, happy International Women’s Day.